Life has taken a turn. We have another Cat named Salem. he’s a cute lil bean but he eats holes in all my socks and blankets so i have to keep a constant eye out. But he’s a little sweetie pie. We got him in October which is quite a while ago now.
My anxiety was getting the best of me for a long long time. it’s only now just breaking up and I’ve gotten some relief. It’s nice but also feels awkward. i’m so used to feeling tense I forgot what it felt like to be normal. My boyfriend actually commented that I seem a lot happier in the past two days so i’m grateful for that.
My work had a grief workshop come in as one of my co-workers passed and it was affecting every single person. And this is where my breakthrough came from. I feel that I don’t have to hide who I am to my co-workers anymore. It’s okay that i’m a vulnerable anxious mess sometimes. It’s okay to have a breakdown. It’s okay to not be able to handle what life throws at you. And most importantly, it’s okay to be myself.
I’m a goofball, 100%. I like to have a good time and I like to laugh. I’m also compassionate, kind, caring, loyal, and giving. These are all great traits to have. I have had my friends call me and be in a panic and I drop everything to go help them. Even if i’m a mess myself. In those moments my anxiety melts away. I don’t have time to be anxious if i’m helping save everyone else. it’s one of the few moments in my life when I have relief.
This however, does not apply to work. oh no. When i’m at work i’m panicking that a crisis is going to happen and I A. Won’t know how to handle it. or B. That i’ll handle it wrong and mess everything up and disappoint people. A major part of my anxiety is perfectionism. I want to be perfect and I want to do things well. and when I don’t i get so down and disappointed in myself. These are things to work on. But what I got from the grief counselling is already helping me.
We did this exercise in the group where we got a stone with one of the grandfather teachings on them. Mine had the word courageous. Which is funny because I never feel courageous. I was living in a state of fear 24/7. I was scared to do anything. I was doing it obviously, because I can’t just not work. But I wasn’t happy. Last night was the first time in a long time that I was excited to go to work, and be there. This is a major breakthrough for me and i’m so happy that my work was able to do this for us. it’s made a huge difference in my life already and it’s only been 2 days since we started.
I’m excited to see what the future holds for me, and i’m excited to bug my boyfriend about marriage again 😂😉 Sorry babe.
I’m hoping to keep up with this blog as I miss it. Even if i only use it to post general stuff about my life. Thank you for reading.
~Kelsey ✨
Fairytale Library 