Life Update

Life has taken a turn. We have another Cat named Salem. he’s a cute lil bean but he eats holes in all my socks and blankets so i have to keep a constant eye out. But he’s a little sweetie pie. We got him in October which is quite a while ago now.

My anxiety was getting the best of me for a long long time. it’s only now just breaking up and I’ve gotten some relief. It’s nice but also feels awkward. i’m so used to feeling tense I forgot what it felt like to be normal. My boyfriend actually commented that I seem a lot happier in the past two days so i’m grateful for that.

My work had a grief workshop come in as one of my co-workers passed and it was affecting every single person. And this is where my breakthrough came from. I feel that I don’t have to hide who I am to my co-workers anymore. It’s okay that i’m a vulnerable anxious mess sometimes. It’s okay to have a breakdown. It’s okay to not be able to handle what life throws at you. And most importantly, it’s okay to be myself.

I’m a goofball, 100%. I like to have a good time and I like to laugh. I’m also compassionate, kind, caring, loyal, and giving. These are all great traits to have. I have had my friends call me and be in a panic and I drop everything to go help them. Even if i’m a mess myself. In those moments my anxiety melts away. I don’t have time to be anxious if i’m helping save everyone else. it’s one of the few moments in my life when I have relief.

This however, does not apply to work. oh no. When i’m at work i’m panicking that a crisis is going to happen and I A. Won’t know how to handle it. or B. That i’ll handle it wrong and mess everything up and disappoint people. A major part of my anxiety is perfectionism. I want to be perfect and I want to do things well. and when I don’t i get so down and disappointed in myself. These are things to work on. But what I got from the grief counselling is already helping me.

We did this exercise in the group where we got a stone with one of the grandfather teachings on them. Mine had the word courageous. Which is funny because I never feel courageous. I was living in a state of fear 24/7. I was scared to do anything. I was doing it obviously, because I can’t just not work. But I wasn’t happy. Last night was the first time in a long time that I was excited to go to work, and be there. This is a major breakthrough for me and i’m so happy that my work was able to do this for us. it’s made a huge difference in my life already and it’s only been 2 days since we started.

I’m excited to see what the future holds for me, and i’m excited to bug my boyfriend about marriage again 😂😉 Sorry babe.

I’m hoping to keep up with this blog as I miss it. Even if i only use it to post general stuff about my life. Thank you for reading.

~Kelsey ✨

I’m Comitted

What am I committing to? Writing.

I love writing. That’s why I started this blog in the first place. I want to share my stories and creativity with others.

Then why have you left your blog to die?

I wasn’t committed. It was merely a hobby to pass the time, or maybe help someone who’s passing by. I wasn’t ready to deal with the writers block, or the potential failure. But now, I think I am. I’m not writing for others anymore. I’m writing for me. i’m going to write about what I want, not what I think other people want to read about.

This is me getting re-committed.

I will write at least every other day. Whether it is for this blog, my D&D campaign, a short story, or my novel that i’ve been working on since high school. I will write.

I will write whether it is hand written or typed.

I will write through my fears and insecurities.

I will write past my writers block

I will write… And so should you!

~Kelsey

Courage and Challenging Your Thinking

Sometimes it’s hard to have courage, it’s hard to try new things especially if they seem intimidating. There have been a large number of times where I have wanted to give up or avoid doing something that seemed like a challenge.

One thing that terrified me was getting myfirst job. I really wanted to do it but was afraidof failure. I didn’t want to let anyone down. But by not even trying, I was letting myself down.

Once I got that first job it was good! But then I needed to find a job in my field. I was scared all over again. How can I help other people when I apparently couldn’t help myself? Try. Once I got back into the groove, and applied to places it wasn’t so bad. Then I got through the intimidating interview process, and here I am!

I found out I’m actually good at my job, much better than I thought I would be. If you never try, you’ll never know what you’re capable of. And if you try and you suck? That’s okay! It just means you have to work a bit harder to improve.

I struggle a lot with trying new things. I feel that I never stick with anything very long. I have a guitar, where is it? In the closet. I’ve started 3 or 4 blogs, where are they? Deleted or lost on the internet.

Right now I want to run a dungeons and dragon (D&D) campaign. This scares me because I feel that there is so much planning involved. I don’t want the game to be boring and I don’t want to over plan to compensate for my discomfort. I don’t want to be frustrated if a lot of my preparations don’t get used. And ultimately, I what if I’m not good at it?

If I don’t challenge my thinking I’ll be in this spot for longer than I need to be. Thought number one: the planning.

Yes, there will be planning. But a lot of the “planning” can be done on the fly, or with a random encounter table. The monster manual has all of the monster stats in it so at least I won’t have to prepare those! One mission could end up being the whole session, so there is no need to rush planning. Thought number two: I don’t want the game to be boring.

Well… I’ll be doing the game for my friends. They will be the stars of the game. If it does end up being boring I’m sure my friends will let me know. And if I ask, I’m positive that they will help me come up with fun ideas to spice it up. When I’m worried about an idea before the session, I can ask someone who isn’t playing what they think of it the idea. Thought number three: I don’t want to over plan.

I could just plan the things that I don’t want to have to do on the fly. I could watch videos from other dungeon masters (dm’s) who have advice about this. Thought number four: I don’t want to get frustrated if my preparations don’t get used.

Not everything will get used, and that’s okay. I can use them later for a later session. You never know when it will come in handy! Maybe a session will be going slow, that random dungeon I made? BAM! Useful. And finally, thought number five: What if I suck?

It’s okay to be bad at things. You usually have to be bad at things to get good at them. The first couple of sessions are about learning. When trying new things I cannot expect to be perfect. If I dislike doing it? That’s okay too! I tried, and I should be proud of that.

Challenging your thoughts is a very good skill to learn, and to have in your tool box. After completing this exercise I personally feel better. Next time there is a situation where you feel insecure or unsure try this method!

Have you ever tried this before? Will you? If you did, did it help?

~ Kelsey